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pinky
One day whilst on an aeroplane I was seated next to an old woman who, for an hour, told me about her grandchildren. She even produced a photo album of all seven of them.
Finally she realized she’d been dominating the conversation and said, “Oh I’m sorry, I’ve been doing all the talking. I know you must have something to say. Tell me, what do you think of my grandchildren

- Kirsten Handford



During the SARS epidemic, my friend's father was sent to China on a government assignment. Concerned, I asked my friend whether she was worried about him contracting the disease?
She replied nonchalantly, “Oh, no, he's got diplomatic immunity.

- Ashwin Vishwanathan, Ghaziabad




I have known a married couple for a number of years. He has a wicked sense of humour and she's rather materialistic. As her birthday neared, she made it clear on numerous occasions that the only acceptable gift from her hubby would be a pendant with a diamond of over a carat. On the day, she opened the large, beautifully wrapped gift only to find that the box contained a rather small pendant with a minuscule diamond, draped over a fresh carrot.

- Eunice Wait



A friend spent more than two hours in the salon getting her hair coloured, cut and blow-dried.
When she approached the receptionist to pay, she wasn’t pleased when the girl working the afternoon shift said, “Hello, madam. Who’s your appointment with today?”

- Peter Crompton


While changing my shirt one day, I was assessing my physique in the mirror. I flexed my arm, hooking my wrist just like muscle men do in competition. Pleased with what I saw, I walked into the living room where my partner, Debbie, was watching TV.
I struck my pose and said, “What does this remind you of?”
Glancing up, she said, “A teapot?”

- Michael Durocher




Having made bread by hand for years, my wife was thrilled to receive a bread maker as a gift. A few days later, I was greeted by the smell of a freshly baked loaf. “This is wonderful!” she enthused. “I feel like I've been promoted from labour to management.’

- George Desjardins


I used to make weekly visits to a very old lady who was always sitting watching television. One week all was silent as the on/off switch was faulty. I wedged the switch on using a nearby book and told my elderly friend to use the socket switch as a temporary measure. For two weeks this worked fine, but by the third week, the TV was silent again. "What happened?" I asked. "They collected my library book," she replied.

- Gerald Hopkin


Arriving at the scene of a road accident, some people and I tried to console a woman who appeared quite badly injured. However, we had difficulty getting answers to our questions about her condition and personal details. She sobbed as a man rang for an ambulance on his mobile phone. "A woman has been injured," he said. "She's about 35, appears to be in pain but is too distressed and incoherent to tell us anything." At that point, the woman looked up and stopped crying long enough to snap, "I'm 30!"


- Janice Yee


Recently at a family function, someone made a really unkind remark about my being very fat. Overweight and oversensitive, I just couldn't stop crying even after coming home. My husband lent me a patient ear, then took me in his arms and said lovingly, "Those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind."


- Shrilaxmi Hegde, Sirsi


My stepdad bought an autofocus camera on holiday and lined the family up for a photo beside the pool. "I don't need any help; this camera is foolproof," he told us as he stepped backwards into the water.

- Charlotte Joseph

Writing to my mother from India, where I was on an extended business trip, I decided to include a photo of myself sitting bravely beside two snakes. I was certain that this photo would create a big impression, and waited impatiently for her reply. Imagine my disappointment, when I received the answering letter, which said: "Dear daughter! Judging by the photo you sent me, you are still going around in those old sandals. For goodness' sake, buy yourself a new pair!"

- Oksana Reznikova


Recently, I had to start wearing glasses full-time and, as I live a long way from the nearest optician, I thought it sensible to buy a small glasses-repair kit I saw advertised. One day, my spectacles became loose so-pleased with myself for being prepared-I got the repair kit out and took off my glasses. Unfortunately, I couldn't see well enough to fix them.

- Rose Marie Aikman

News that her third child was going to be a girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two boys. "My husband wants to call her Sunny," she told me, "and I want to give her Anna as her middle name in memory of my mum."
I thought they might want to reconsider their decision, since their birth announcement would herald the arrival of Sunny Anna Rainey.

- Carolyn Wallis



Our nine-year-old niece slept on the couch in our computer room during a recent visit.
"Is Uncle Jim an idiot?" she asked her mother the next morning.
"Why would you ask that?" her mother replied.
"He has all these books: Idiot's Guide to Windows, Idiot's Guide to PowerPoint…"

- James Salt


My 11-year-old brother was making chocolate chip cookies for the first time when he asked my mother, "Why do I have to leave the room?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Come and look at the recipe," he said. "It says right here, 'Leave room for spreading.'"

- Scott DeGieo



Don't ever pay a surprise visit to a child in college. You might be the one getting the surprise. I learned this the hard way when I swung by my son's campus during a business trip. Locating what I thought was the building he lived in, I rang the doorbell.
"Yeah?" a voice called from inside.
"Does Dylan Housman live here?"
"Yup," the voice answered. "Leave him on the front porch. We'll drag him in later."

- Jericho Housman




simplefable
QUOTE(pinky @ Jan 19 2008, 07:20 PM) *

Recently at a family function, someone made a really unkind remark about my being very fat. Overweight and oversensitive, I just couldn't stop crying even after coming home. My husband lent me a patient ear, then took me in his arms and said lovingly, "Those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind."


- Shrilaxmi Hegde, Sirsi



All of the jokes are absolutely hilarious.. laugh.gif
But personally i loved this fine one. Thanks Pinky... smile.gif
pinky
QUOTE(simplefable @ Jan 20 2008, 06:57 PM) *

QUOTE(pinky @ Jan 19 2008, 07:20 PM) *

Recently at a family function, someone made a really unkind remark about my being very fat. Overweight and oversensitive, I just couldn't stop crying even after coming home. My husband lent me a patient ear, then took me in his arms and said lovingly, "Those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind."


- Shrilaxmi Hegde, Sirsi



All of the jokes are absolutely hilarious.. laugh.gif
But personally i loved this fine one. Thanks Pinky... smile.gif


You are welcome..
desai2rn

Pinky thanks for posting the humour. Life is like that and Humour in uniform are parts of RD I sacn first.

pinky
QUOTE(desai2rn @ Jan 21 2008, 10:00 PM) *

Pinky thanks for posting the humour. Life is like that and Humour in uniform are parts of RD I sacn first.


Most welcome Ramesh.. smile.gif

Some more..


My elderly aunt has always been prone to “senior moments,” but when asked why there was an empty bottle of milk in the fridge you couldn’t argue with her logic.
“It’s in case someone wants black coffee,” she said.

- Dawn Tate

I was in the checkout line of a grocery store when the sunny day suddenly turned grey and rainy.
“Wow. That was fast,” I commented, looking outside.
“Oh, you can’t trust those weathermen,” the young cashier said with a wave of her hand.
“They give you a different forecast every day.”

- Don Powers in The New York Times


Today was the day. I was going to get a tattoo. I walked into a local shop to check out their designs. But I had second thoughts when I noticed the two "artists" working there had the last names of Pane and Burns.

- Lindsay Halverson



After being housebound with a newborn for a while, I was thankful one day to leave the baby with my husband and get out for a walk. I bumped into an acquaintance, who commented on how wonderful I looked. Aware that I was still carrying a lot of extra weight, I thanked her. "No, really!" she insisted. "You look so good! Now-how much longer? You must be nearly due!"

- Julia Hoogstra



Studying hard for her 12th-standard board exams, my friend often stayed up late. A day before her English paper, she nodded off with the textbook in her hand. When her mother noticed that her daughter was sleeping peacefully, she quietly took the book from her hand and, as she put it aside on the bed, saw the chapter that her daughter was reading, "Awakening of Women."

- Siddhartha Nihalani



Popping in and out of tiny, cottage-like shops in a small town, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf-upon-shelf of interesting-looking books. She went inside.

A lady appeared through a bead curtain and asked, “Can I help you?”

“No, just browsing,” said my friend.

“Fine,” came the curt reply, “but it is usual to knock before entering someone’s home.”

- Jane Murray


On a trip to my aunt and uncle's farm, we were invited for tea at a neighbouring farmhouse. There was a large cake that looked rather unsavoury and tasted even worse, but no one declined out of politeness. On seeing my uncle's dish empty, the host gave him another slice that quickly disappeared. "I see you really liked the cake, have another slice," she insisted. On the way back home, my uncle stopped the car, took off his jacket and said to my aunt. "Gina, you'll have to send it to the cleaners." And, to our great astonishment, he pulled out three large slices of cake from his greasy coat pocket.

- Manuela Mendes



We stopped at a little stand next to the road where fresh grapes were being advertised. The saleswoman told us her stock had been sold out but that her husband had gone off to get more.

While we argued whether or not it was convenient to wait, I asked her if she could guarantee that the grapes were fresh. She stared at me with a very startled expression and looked over her shoulder towards the husband who appeared from amid the vines.

“Well,” she began with the calmest of voices, “he did come running, didn’t he?”

- Luiz A. Chiquetto


My mother is a huge fan of writer Bill Bryson, so I thought his new book would be a perfect gift for her birthday. The only trouble was, so did 15 other friends and relatives.

It was only after she opened the sixteenth that she told us she had also bought it for herself.

- Michael Rothwell
pinky
As kids see it

A few years ago, I learnt just how much young children take to heart the things we unknowingly say to them. When my daughter was four and quite a handful, I would, at times, in sheer exasperation, call her a pest.
One day, my husband informed me that our housing society had fixed an appointment with the pest control company to get rid of cockroaches and termites. Hearing this, my usually bubbly daughter became quiet and asked with trepidation, “Are they coming to control me?”

- Parvathi Shekhar



The rule when my children were young was: If you complain about my cooking, you have to cook the next day. One busy afternoon, the skin on the chicken I was roasting got too dark and my eight-year-old son eyed the meat and said glumly, “Burned chicken again.” Looking at me, he quickly blurted, “Just the way I like it!”

- Noella Andress



We live in bear country and one day spotted a mother bear and her cubs picking berries nearby. I sat my two youngsters down and told them, “If you ever see a bear, run to the nearest house, go in and close the door tight.”
My daughter looked up with big eyes and asked, “Do I knock first?”

- Myrna E. Wallis



Colin, my six-year-old cousin, hurt his head so badly that his dad took him to hospital. On the way, his dad prepared him for what would happen.
“The nurse will take a picture of your bones to see if any are broken,” he said reassuringly. In the waiting room, Colin appeared more and more anxious.
“Dad,” he worriedly asked, “how's the nurse going to get my skin off to see my bones?”

- Tonya Thibeau


My husband and I were packing for a two-week vacation when our daughter and her family came to say bon voyage.
As they left, our four-year-old grandson, Griffin, reminded us, “Don’t forget to send me an e-mail! It can say: Dear Griffin, we bought you something.”

- Vicki Deeton



Laine, our six-year-old daughter, came home from school very excited to show us what she’d learnt in her safety programme.
“This is what I have to do if a stranger approaches me and tries to take me.” She took a deep breath, grimaced and yelled, “Help! Help! This is not my mother! I am being adopted!”

- Maureen Howell


My daughter, a teacher, takes care to expand her children’s vocabulary. When my eight-year-old grandson, Steven, was visiting, I tucked him into bed after a story, prayers and a kiss. He padded downstairs soon after.
“Grandma, I’m not sleepy now,” he pleaded. “Can’t I be nocturnal for just one night?”

- Hennie VanderSchee



The grocery store lineup was long, and I was wondering how to keep my three-year-old daughter busy when, to my relief, an elderly man ahead of us turned to chat.
“What’s your name?” he asked my daughter.
“Rebecca,” she said.
Eager to carry on the budding conversation, she continued, “And my baby brother’s name is Nolan.”
Every shopper in line was now paying attention. Delighted with her captive audience, Rebecca added, “And my daddy’s name is Lover!”

- D.L. Woodman



Our minister concluded his Mother’s Day sermon by pointing to the congregation and firing a question: “Where would you be right now if it weren’t for your mother?”
The silence that followed was broken by a six-year-old boy. “At home,” he replied.

- C.E. Goodwin




My four-year-old son and I were walking along the bank of a river when he got the sudden urge to toss a stick into the water. But there weren’t any sticks around, so I reached into my pocket and took out a coin.
“Here, this is better,” I said. “Throw this coin into the river and make a wish.”
He closed his eyes, made a wish and threw the coin.
“So you made a wish?” I asked him.
“Yes,” he said. “I wished I had a stick.”

- S. O’Conno
pinky
As kids see it


Just before the procession began at a wedding my in-laws attended, a young child sitting near them asked his mother, "When is the persecution going to start?"

- Lisa Woelk




The children are monitored during computer time at our elementary school to ensure that websites they access are appropriate for them. Unfortunately, spelling can be an issue.

One child inadvertently ran into problems when he typed the address hot male.com.

- Michelle Olivier


Playing a video game, my seven-year-old son became frustrated and referred to one of the characters as "stupid."

"Not a very nice word," I said, "perhaps you can pick another adjective to describe the character."

"Mom," he said through clenched teeth, "you can't turn this into school work!"

- Sherri Elms



While babysitting, I had to correct my four-year-old granddaughter for being mischievous. In frustration, she stomped her foot and said, "I'm going to my room until you are in a better mood!"

- Beatrice M. Rowe
myawan
laugh.gif
simplefable
laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

One from me... smile.gif

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought
only one ticket between them.
How are you going to travel on a single ticket? asked a lawyer.
Wait and watch, answered one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three
engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly
after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet
door and asked, "Ticket please". The door opened just a crack and a single
arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved
on.
Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.
So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their
astonishment, the engineers didnt buy any.
How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
Wait and watch, answered an engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers
into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out
of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
iiluu
Smiles..
simplefable
Another one...


A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly
emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he would outpace the cop, the
man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car's speed rose to sixty, then
seventy, eighty, and ninety.
Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: "Listen, Mister, I
have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good
excuse and Iíll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said:" Three weeks ago my wife ran off
with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were
that officer and were trying to give her back to me."

NO Ticket...said the Officer.
pinky
QUOTE(simplefable @ Jan 23 2008, 08:28 PM) *

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

One from me... smile.gif

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought
only one ticket between them.
How are you going to travel on a single ticket? asked a lawyer.
Wait and watch, answered one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three
engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly
after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet
door and asked, "Ticket please". The door opened just a crack and a single
arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved
on.
Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.
So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their
astonishment, the engineers didnt buy any.
How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
Wait and watch, answered an engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers
into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out
of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".



QUOTE(simplefable @ Jan 24 2008, 10:15 PM) *

Another one...


A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly
emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he would outpace the cop, the
man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car's speed rose to sixty, then
seventy, eighty, and ninety.
Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: "Listen, Mister, I
have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good
excuse and Iíll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said:" Three weeks ago my wife ran off
with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were
that officer and were trying to give her back to me."

NO Ticket...said the Officer.



Thanks smile.gif

The Really older issues are better right? i like going through the seventies and eighties ones..
simplefable
I have the issues from sixties too..RD never becomes outdated. It is my pleasure to share these snippets... smile.gif

Here is one more...

A tea manufacturer wanted a new advertising gimmick, so the senior creative man at the advertising agency decided to go to Rome to see if he could persuade the Pope to make a TV commercial.
We'll give you one hundred thousand pounds for a ten second commercial,
the ad man told the pontiff. All you have say is: Give us this day our daily
tea
I'm sorry, replied the Pope, but I can't do that.
Five hundred thousand, offered the adman.
I am afraid not, said the Pope, solemnly.
All right. One million pounds. And that's our very last offer.
But still the Pope refused. On his way back, disappointed adman turned to
his secretary and said: It is odd that the Pope refused to do a commercial for tea. I wonder how much the bread people are giving him.
Reeth
QUOTE(simplefable @ Jan 25 2008, 10:26 PM) *

I have the issues from sixties too..RD never becomes outdated. It is my pleasure to share these snippets... smile.gif

Here is one more...

A tea manufacturer wanted a new advertising gimmick, so the senior creative man at the advertising agency decided to go to Rome to see if he could persuade the Pope to make a TV commercial.
We'll give you one hundred thousand pounds for a ten second commercial,
the ad man told the pontiff. All you have say is: Give us this day our daily
tea
I'm sorry, replied the Pope, but I can't do that.
Five hundred thousand, offered the adman.
I am afraid not, said the Pope, solemnly.
All right. One million pounds. And that's our very last offer.
But still the Pope refused. On his way back, disappointed adman turned to
his secretary and said: It is odd that the Pope refused to do a commercial for tea. I wonder how much the bread people are giving him.




I agree with that..........i love going through the old issues of RD, each volume is a collectors item, the older the better.... smile.gif
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