One day whilst on an aeroplane I was seated next to an old woman who, for an hour, told me about her grandchildren. She even produced a photo album of all seven of them.
Finally she realized she’d been dominating the conversation and said, “Oh I’m sorry, I’ve been doing all the talking. I know you must have something to say. Tell me, what do you think of my grandchildren
- Kirsten Handford
During the SARS epidemic, my friend's father was sent to China on a government assignment. Concerned, I asked my friend whether she was worried about him contracting the disease?
She replied nonchalantly, “Oh, no, he's got diplomatic immunity.
- Ashwin Vishwanathan, Ghaziabad
I have known a married couple for a number of years. He has a wicked sense of humour and she's rather materialistic. As her birthday neared, she made it clear on numerous occasions that the only acceptable gift from her hubby would be a pendant with a diamond of over a carat. On the day, she opened the large, beautifully wrapped gift only to find that the box contained a rather small pendant with a minuscule diamond, draped over a fresh carrot.
- Eunice Wait
A friend spent more than two hours in the salon getting her hair coloured, cut and blow-dried.
When she approached the receptionist to pay, she wasn’t pleased when the girl working the afternoon shift said, “Hello, madam. Who’s your appointment with today?”
- Peter Crompton
While changing my shirt one day, I was assessing my physique in the mirror. I flexed my arm, hooking my wrist just like muscle men do in competition. Pleased with what I saw, I walked into the living room where my partner, Debbie, was watching TV.
I struck my pose and said, “What does this remind you of?”
Glancing up, she said, “A teapot?”
- Michael Durocher
Having made bread by hand for years, my wife was thrilled to receive a bread maker as a gift. A few days later, I was greeted by the smell of a freshly baked loaf. “This is wonderful!” she enthused. “I feel like I've been promoted from labour to management.’
- George Desjardins
I used to make weekly visits to a very old lady who was always sitting watching television. One week all was silent as the on/off switch was faulty. I wedged the switch on using a nearby book and told my elderly friend to use the socket switch as a temporary measure. For two weeks this worked fine, but by the third week, the TV was silent again. "What happened?" I asked. "They collected my library book," she replied.
- Gerald Hopkin
Arriving at the scene of a road accident, some people and I tried to console a woman who appeared quite badly injured. However, we had difficulty getting answers to our questions about her condition and personal details. She sobbed as a man rang for an ambulance on his mobile phone. "A woman has been injured," he said. "She's about 35, appears to be in pain but is too distressed and incoherent to tell us anything." At that point, the woman looked up and stopped crying long enough to snap, "I'm 30!"
- Janice Yee
Recently at a family function, someone made a really unkind remark about my being very fat. Overweight and oversensitive, I just couldn't stop crying even after coming home. My husband lent me a patient ear, then took me in his arms and said lovingly, "Those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind."
- Shrilaxmi Hegde, Sirsi
My stepdad bought an autofocus camera on holiday and lined the family up for a photo beside the pool. "I don't need any help; this camera is foolproof," he told us as he stepped backwards into the water.
- Charlotte Joseph
Writing to my mother from India, where I was on an extended business trip, I decided to include a photo of myself sitting bravely beside two snakes. I was certain that this photo would create a big impression, and waited impatiently for her reply. Imagine my disappointment, when I received the answering letter, which said: "Dear daughter! Judging by the photo you sent me, you are still going around in those old sandals. For goodness' sake, buy yourself a new pair!"
- Oksana Reznikova
Recently, I had to start wearing glasses full-time and, as I live a long way from the nearest optician, I thought it sensible to buy a small glasses-repair kit I saw advertised. One day, my spectacles became loose so-pleased with myself for being prepared-I got the repair kit out and took off my glasses. Unfortunately, I couldn't see well enough to fix them.
- Rose Marie Aikman
News that her third child was going to be a girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two boys. "My husband wants to call her Sunny," she told me, "and I want to give her Anna as her middle name in memory of my mum."
I thought they might want to reconsider their decision, since their birth announcement would herald the arrival of Sunny Anna Rainey.
- Carolyn Wallis
Our nine-year-old niece slept on the couch in our computer room during a recent visit.
"Is Uncle Jim an idiot?" she asked her mother the next morning.
"Why would you ask that?" her mother replied.
"He has all these books: Idiot's Guide to Windows, Idiot's Guide to PowerPoint…"
- James Salt
My 11-year-old brother was making chocolate chip cookies for the first time when he asked my mother, "Why do I have to leave the room?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Come and look at the recipe," he said. "It says right here, 'Leave room for spreading.'"
- Scott DeGieo
Don't ever pay a surprise visit to a child in college. You might be the one getting the surprise. I learned this the hard way when I swung by my son's campus during a business trip. Locating what I thought was the building he lived in, I rang the doorbell.
"Yeah?" a voice called from inside.
"Does Dylan Housman live here?"
"Yup," the voice answered. "Leave him on the front porch. We'll drag him in later."
- Jericho Housman