Man comes home, finds his wife in bed with his friend.

He shoots his friend.

Wife says " If you behave like this, you will loose ALL your friends!!! "


-----------------------------


Small boy wrote to Santa Clause " Please send me a Brother "

Santa wrote back " SEND ME YOUR MOTHER "


-------------------------------


What is the definition of a MIstress

Someone between the Mister and Mattress.


---------------------------------


Husband asks " do you know the meaning of WIFE?? "

" Without Information Fighting Everytime "

Wife replies , " No , It means , " With Idiot For Ever "


-----------------------------------


Three Feelings:

What's the difference between Stress, Tension and Panic??

Stress is when Wife is pregnant

Tension is when Girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when Both are pregnant.


---------------------------------------


Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the US??

B'coz people started licking the wrong side .


----------------------------------------


Women asked Man travelling with six children, " Are all these kids yours? "

No, I work for a condom factory & these are customer complaints.


-----------------------------------------


Two men met, and both were looking for their missing wives.

1st: How does urs look?

2nd: She is 5' 7" , 36-24-36 ,Fair, Black eyes , What abt yours?

1st: Forget mine, let's look for urs.


-----------------------------------------


Mother to her teenaged daughter: I think the time is right for us
to talk about sex

Daughter (Excitedly): Sure, mom what do you want to know??


-------------------------------------------


Son asks Father the difference between confidence and confidential

Father says.. You are my son, i am confident, Your friend is also my son
That's Confidential


-------------------------------------------

LOL

Cool !!

Another definition for WIFE : Worries Invited For Ever

Another full form....

Wonderful Instrument For Enjoyment



SB

Reeth din pe din getting oooof too much

Ye lo meri taraf se ek

What did the egg say to boiling water?

"How an you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!"

Bhaagoooooooo

oo mi gwad nimii..........olle hudigiru heegella bariyodillamma .....

good one....waiting from some more

houda maga Innu oontu bekaa ayyo devure!

These were the ones I got in sms Baap re if I post here any more I might juz get lynched

Will pm them to you

lolo....thank you..

Boss asks the secretary " Do you know what is
the difference between a Ceasar salad and
a blow job?

" No " , says the secretary

" Great let's do Lunch " the boss says.....

.....................................................................


A Sardar received an invitation, to a party
which said " Black Tie Only"...

When he went to the party he was surprised to
find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts
as well !!!!..........


....................................................................


A man was granted 2 wishes by God....
The man asked for The Best Wine and The Best Woman...

Next moment, he had the best Wine and Mother Teresa
next to him.......

Moral of the story: BE SPECIFIC


...............................................................................


What is the BEST and the WORST news that you
can hear at the same time?/

When your girlfriend says that you are the BEST KISSER
among all your friends.....


..................................................................................

BAD LUCK


A Woman's husband had been slipping in and out of coma for several
months, yet she stayed by his bedeside every single day.
Whe he came to he motioned for her to come nearer.


He said " You know what ? you have been with me all through the bad times.
When i got fired yiu were there to support me.
When my business failed you were there.When i got shot, you were by my
bedside.
When we lost the house you gave me support. When my health started failing you
were still by my side..........you know what?

'What dear?' she asked gently


" I think you bring me bad luck "


.................................................................................................................


A man and woman were started to have sex in the middle of a dark
forest....

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally got up and said " I wish i had a
flashlight ."


The woman says " So do I. you have been eating grass for the past
fifteen minutes....



...............................................................................................................

A Sardar received an invitation, to a party
which said " Black Tie Only"...

When he went to the party he was surprised to
find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts
as well !!!!..........
Dear Miss? Reeth
Referring to Black Tie joke, would it not be approprate to make these jokes ethnically and religiously neutral? You could have used a person from any community for this joke. Why make it only for a Sardar?I know all around the world people pick on minorities. Have you read somewhere on this site ( a while back)what Indians are called in the Caribbean? Please refrain from picking on minorities. Politicians are already doing a good job of that. Remember 1947 in South Asia! And later a few other years that are colored in red!Harjinder


....................................................................



Dear Miss?? Harjinder????

Cool down man............it is just a joke.................don't go looking for issues where there are none.............

Just so that Im clear on this, you're not a bird, right Reeth?

LOL........ LOL ............ Any particular bird u had on mind???LOl lol

Just your average lascivious 1... am not in luck am I?

??

Poor attempt at humour. 4get abt it.

No worry......

Still answer my Q tho... its 4 future reference, I dont wanna make the mistake of callin you a "bro" when in fact you're "sis".

sis? what made you think that?? LOL LOL

Harjinder.

Wrong quotes. Im guessing that it wasnt a mistake, right?

Hi
It is Mr (not miss!). Live like a minority for a while where people can be butchered for being what they are. Jokes can be ethnically neutral. Why pick on a minority that has been devastated twice in the last 50 years or so ? I can enjoy a joke but not when an entire community is made butt of it for no special reason.Harjinder

u never miss a chance, do u????

Let me make it clear........am a bro not a sis.........LOL

No offence meant....

A Husband makes a call to the Hospital to enquire about
his pregnant Wife

But accidentally the call went to a Cricket stadium.

He asked " What is the condition?"

He Fainted after What he heard....



Guess What the reply was??





It is....








7 are already out...








3 more will be out by Lunch.....







..........and........









The First one was a DUCK....

A few Marriage quotes..........

" Marriage is a relationship

in which.... one person is

always right......

and...the other is a Husband..

----------------------------------------------


Don't marry the person you

want to live with....

Marry the one you caanot live without.....


---------------------------------------------------


Says a wise Husband


My Wife and I always compromise....

I admit i am wrong and she agrees

with me!!!


--------------------------------------------------


It does'nt matter ............how often

A married man changes his job.....

He still ends up with the same Boss( read Wife)


--------------------------------------------------


They call our language the MOTHER TONGUE..

because the Father seldom gets to speak...


---------------------------------------------------

Too good !

Cheers

Parag

thanks parag....

I CAN"T LOOK THAT OLD.........



I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with
the New Dentist i noticed hid DDS certificate which bore his full name...

Suddenly i remembered a Tall, Handsome, Dark haired guy...!! with the same name
who had been with me in high school 40 odd yrs back...Could this be the same guy
that i had a secrect crush on way back then??!!!


Upon seeing him , however i quickly discarded any such thought........The Balding , Old
Greying man with deep lines on his face was way too old to have been my classmate..
....i thought!!


Hmmmm Or could he be??


After he examined my teeth i asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School??

" Yes, Yes I did ". I am a Mustang" he gleamed with pride.

" When did you graduate? " I asked?

He answered " In 1964" Why do you ask?


" You were in my class" I exclaimed

He looked at me closely....


Then that Ugly Old Wrinkled Man asked me " What did you Teach" ??

A priest had lost his Cock ( Male hen) and did'nt know where to find it.

So at the Sermon next day he asked "Has anybody got the cock? "
All the men stood up

NO! NO! I mean has anybody seen the cock?" All the women stood up

NO! NO! I mean has anybody seen my cock? All the nuns stood up.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An old Indian Chief and his son are sittng down one day, and the son asks

"Dad how do us Indians get our names?"

" Its very simple"replies the chief. " Your oldest brother was born by a river

so we call him Running Brook, your other brother was born early in the

morning, so we call him Rising Sun. Why do you ask Broken Rubber "??



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young couple got married , and in their family , it was a tradition
for the Best man to dance with the Bride for the first song.
Well this happened....but then they danced for the second song too,
and the third. By the time the fourth song came on , the groom ran
up and kicked the Bride between the legs. A riot broke out and
all the invited guests were hauled off to the Jail.

In the Court the nxt day, the judge asked the Best man what happened?

" Your honor , we were just dancing , and the groom ran up and kicked
the bride between the legs."

" That must've hurt " said the judge

" No kidding" said the Best man. " I broke three of my fingers".


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother " Is it true what
Rita just told me?Babies come out the same place where boys put their dicks?"

" Yes dear," explains the mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up
and she would'nt have to explain it to her daughter.

" But then when i have a baby," responded the teenager " won't it knock my teeth out".



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

latest.

here's one:

Math Lesson:

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to
satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn
that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel
with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact
that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

--------------------------------------

here's another

Low Sperm Count:

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears
at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right
hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She -
tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with
the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried
with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried
we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

---------------------------------------

Trouble Sleeping


The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office.
" What seems to be the problem? " the doctor asked...

" Well , I , Uhhh " she stammered....I think i might be a
Nymphomaniac".

" I see, " he said " I can help you, but i must advise you that
my fee is 80$ an hour"

"That's not bad " she replied " How much for all night?"...

Where are you nimii????


Men's Logic


A Man and his Wife were in the court for their divorce case..

The poblem was who gets the custody of the child...

The Wife Jumped up and screamed " Your honour , I brought
the child into this world after suffering all the pain and labor"
"The child should be in my custody"

The Judge turned to the husband and said" What do you have
to say in your defense"

The man sat for a while contemplating ........then slowly rose
"Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a Pepsi vending machine, and a
can of Pepsi comes out...

Whose Pepsi is it The Machine's or Mine??

One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "Makeout Point". Shining his flashlight in
the window, he saw a young man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young
woman sitting on the seat reading a magazine.


" Excuse me , son " said the cop , " but how old are the two of you?"

" I'm Eighteen sir and,( checking his watch another time)' In another 10 minutes she'll be eighteen
too"...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it began to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and
continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A Condom, this way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them in any drugstore.

The next day Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist
that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed looks at her strangely, after all over eighty years of age, but
very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The Pharmacist fainted...........

reeth, kam umar mein bahut zyadaa pak gaye ho shaayad. bahut hee dusht ho tum.

--------------------------

Euro English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language
of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The
hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less
letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be
replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate
speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go
away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav
a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop
vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas ...

Really good......Hey Nature, is this for real?

4 fornication sake Reeth!!!

you really are the limit YM........

The story is told by someone, so the joke is his.

No Sex tonight:

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for
you in
the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I
am and
not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

------------------

Courtesy: http://www.ofuzi.com/2007/05/28/no-sex-tonight/?

Tit for Tat, but who's the loser?

Sunday School


Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the
universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind
her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher
said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir
from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!''
shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher
asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?''
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick
that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The teacher fainted.........


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll Give You...


There was a woman and her husband. They were happily married except for the fact that the
husband never gave his wife any money.
One day, a friend of the husband's comes over while the wife was taking a shower. He rings the
doorbell and the wife comes out, wrapped in a towel. He asks, "Is your husband home?"

She answers, "No, but he'll back in about 30 minutes. You can stay and wait for him if you want."
The friend agrees and enters the house.

As the wife is about to enter the bedroom the friend says, "If you flash me I'll give you a hundred
dollars."

The wife thinks about it, and decides that she does need some money of her own. So she agrees
and flashes him. She was about to leave the room when he says, "If you model nude for me until
your husband gets home, I'll give you two hundred dollars." She thinks about it and agrees. A couple
of minutes later he says, "If you have sex with me, I'll give you three hundred dollars." She thinks
about it and agrees.

After the sex, he leaves, saying he had other buisness to get to. She thinks happily about the six
hundred dollars and what she would do with it. Her husband comes home and she says, "Honey,
your friend came over today."

He replies, "Oh? Did he have the six hundred dollars he owed me?"

LAW OF THE JUNGLE

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a
tiger that looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys
reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nike.

His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are
going to make you run faster than that tiger?"

I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied.
"I just have to run faster than you"...........

Welcome to the corporate world!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One Night 4 College Students Were Partying Till Late Night and Didn’t Study For
The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.
In the morning they thought out a plan. They made themselves look dirty and
weird with grease and dirt paint. They then went up to the Dean and said that
they had gone out to a wedding late night and on their way back they had a
tyre burst and they had to push the car all the way back, so, they were in no
condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could take a re-test after 3 days.
On the third day the Dean said that as this was a Special case all four were
required to sit in separate rooms for the test.......

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name........ ......... ........( 2 MARKS ) Q.2. Which tyre burst ?........... ....( 98 MARKS )
a. Front Left
b. Front Right
c. Back Left
d. Back Right.....!! !

And they all passed with distinction.....

True story from IIT Bombay...Batch 1992-96

Both are good! Especially the second one.

Noorie