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A Joke

, Not For Minors ;)

 
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> A Joke, Not For Minors ;)
Faraaj73
post May 9 2009, 09:34 AM
Post #16


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HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.. ... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'


Kind Regards
Faraaj



Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

There is only one better thing than music - live music. - Jacek Bukowski

I hate music, especially when it's played. - Jimmy Durante

No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible. - W. H. Auden
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behenji.turned.mod
post May 9 2009, 09:53 AM
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rotfl
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Faraaj73
post May 10 2009, 03:33 PM
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This takes outsourcing to a whole new level...

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.


Kind Regards
Faraaj



Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

There is only one better thing than music - live music. - Jacek Bukowski

I hate music, especially when it's played. - Jimmy Durante

No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible. - W. H. Auden
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Faraaj73
post May 10 2009, 03:34 PM
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One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Wee wee chu.?

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Wee wee chu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "OK, we'll play Wee wee chu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas,
Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas,
Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year."


Kind Regards
Faraaj



Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

There is only one better thing than music - live music. - Jacek Bukowski

I hate music, especially when it's played. - Jimmy Durante

No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible. - W. H. Auden
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behenji.turned.mod
post May 10 2009, 04:50 PM
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QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 10 2009, 03:33 PM) *

This takes outsourcing to a whole new level...

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.




rotfl rotfl rotfl
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Faraaj73
post May 17 2009, 04:21 PM
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In the family way
Conswelo, a Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blanco that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."

The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father could be.

The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."

Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.

"Well," Conswelo explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'.

So I'm in the family way and I quit."


Kind Regards
Faraaj



Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

There is only one better thing than music - live music. - Jacek Bukowski

I hate music, especially when it's played. - Jimmy Durante

No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible. - W. H. Auden
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Faraaj73
post May 17 2009, 04:23 PM
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Manana
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word "manana" (manyana).

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."


Kind Regards
Faraaj



Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

There is only one better thing than music - live music. - Jacek Bukowski

I hate music, especially when it's played. - Jimmy Durante

No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible. - W. H. Auden
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simplefable
post May 17 2009, 04:55 PM
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From: ANDHRA PRADESH
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laugh.gif laugh.gif

Once a man was speeding and saw a cop start his car to chase him. The man just pressed the gas pedal thinking that he can get away in his fast car. But then, appearances are deceptive ..and the cop caught up with the man. The man just rested his hands on the steering wheel and waited for the cop.
The cop came near him and said.." Sir, I am tired after a long shift of duty but really want to give a break to you. Tell me something convincing enough so that i can just leave you with a warning".
The man said "...Oh..today morning, my wife eloped with a cop. When i saw you racing to catch me, i thought you are that cop trying to return my wife to me. So i had no alternative but to escape......".
Needless to say, the cop warned the man for speeding and left.

After silence that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.
Aldous Huxley



"Waqt ne kiya...Kya haseen sitm...Tum rahe na tum..Hum rahe na hum.."



geetadutt

noorjehan

shamshadbegum

Anmol Fankaar
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Faraaj73
post May 18 2009, 06:14 AM
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Defamation of Character
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

This post has been edited by Faraaj73: May 18 2009, 06:16 AM


Kind Regards
Faraaj



Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

There is only one better thing than music - live music. - Jacek Bukowski

I hate music, especially when it's played. - Jimmy Durante

No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible. - W. H. Auden
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Faraaj73
post May 18 2009, 06:17 AM
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Bachelor Cooking
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from one subject to another and finally to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way— 'Take a clean dish and...'"


Kind Regards
Faraaj



Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

There is only one better thing than music - live music. - Jacek Bukowski

I hate music, especially when it's played. - Jimmy Durante

No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible. - W. H. Auden
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Faraaj73
post May 18 2009, 06:19 AM
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After a particularly difficult day in basic training, the drill sergeant got in the face of the new recruit and screamed, "I'll bet when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave."

"Not me," the recruit said. "When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again."


Kind Regards
Faraaj



Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

There is only one better thing than music - live music. - Jacek Bukowski

I hate music, especially when it's played. - Jimmy Durante

No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible. - W. H. Auden
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Faraaj73
post May 18 2009, 06:21 AM
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An Irish girl left Dublin to find a job as a secretary in Los Angeles and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit as her father was getting frail and elderly.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, “Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in the States.”

The girl took his hands and said, “Dad, I’ve been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn’t want to put it in a letter. I can’t hide it from you any longer. I’ve become a prostitute.”

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over.

The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.

As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, “I’m a goner, killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you’ve become!"

“Please forgive me,” his daughter sobbed, “I only wanted to have nice things. I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute.”

With that the old man brushed the priest aside and sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. “Did you say prostitute? That was a close one. I thought you said Protestant."


Kind Regards
Faraaj



Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent. - Victor Hugo

There is only one better thing than music - live music. - Jacek Bukowski

I hate music, especially when it's played. - Jimmy Durante

No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible. - W. H. Auden
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hildebrand
post May 26 2009, 12:00 AM
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QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 10 2009, 03:33 PM) *

This takes outsourcing to a whole new level...

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.



sad1.gif

Best Regards
Hildebrand


Samandar ko Baandhe Aisa Koi Ghaat Nahi, Kadmon ko thaame aisi koi baat nahin Patli si dhaara samundar mein milti hai, milkar ke kho jaati hai, ghaat ghaat hi rehte hain woh samundar ho jaati hai, karlo jo chaaho, banlo jo chaaho

“Geet boodhe nahin hote, unke chehron pe jhurriyan nahi girti
wo palte rahte hain, chalte rahte hain
sun-ne walo ki umra badal jaati hai….”

Please Visit
http://www.anmolfankaar.com: A website dedicated to Artists of the Indian Subcontinent. Now follow it on twitter too. http://twitter.com/anmolfankaar

http://www.shamshadbegum.com : A website dedicated to the Living Legend Shamshad Begum. May She Live Long.

http://www.madamnoorjehan.com : A website dedicated to Madam Noorjehan

http://www.geetadutt.com : A website dedicated to Geeta Dutt Nee Roy
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hildebrand
post May 26 2009, 12:03 AM
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Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.

"No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I’ve gone alone."

"Why don’t you invite a friend?"

"I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."

Best Regards
Hildebrand


Samandar ko Baandhe Aisa Koi Ghaat Nahi, Kadmon ko thaame aisi koi baat nahin Patli si dhaara samundar mein milti hai, milkar ke kho jaati hai, ghaat ghaat hi rehte hain woh samundar ho jaati hai, karlo jo chaaho, banlo jo chaaho

“Geet boodhe nahin hote, unke chehron pe jhurriyan nahi girti
wo palte rahte hain, chalte rahte hain
sun-ne walo ki umra badal jaati hai….”

Please Visit
http://www.anmolfankaar.com: A website dedicated to Artists of the Indian Subcontinent. Now follow it on twitter too. http://twitter.com/anmolfankaar

http://www.shamshadbegum.com : A website dedicated to the Living Legend Shamshad Begum. May She Live Long.

http://www.madamnoorjehan.com : A website dedicated to Madam Noorjehan

http://www.geetadutt.com : A website dedicated to Geeta Dutt Nee Roy
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hildebrand
post May 26 2009, 12:04 AM
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Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you'll put it in the casket."

After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.

Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn't put the money in there."

"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Best Regards
Hildebrand


Samandar ko Baandhe Aisa Koi Ghaat Nahi, Kadmon ko thaame aisi koi baat nahin Patli si dhaara samundar mein milti hai, milkar ke kho jaati hai, ghaat ghaat hi rehte hain woh samundar ho jaati hai, karlo jo chaaho, banlo jo chaaho

“Geet boodhe nahin hote, unke chehron pe jhurriyan nahi girti
wo palte rahte hain, chalte rahte hain
sun-ne walo ki umra badal jaati hai….”

Please Visit
http://www.anmolfankaar.com: A website dedicated to Artists of the Indian Subcontinent. Now follow it on twitter too. http://twitter.com/anmolfankaar

http://www.shamshadbegum.com : A website dedicated to the Living Legend Shamshad Begum. May She Live Long.

http://www.madamnoorjehan.com : A website dedicated to Madam Noorjehan

http://www.geetadutt.com : A website dedicated to Geeta Dutt Nee Roy
User is offlineProfile CardPM
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