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Posted by: bawlachintu Apr 26 2009, 01:16 PM

Best way to get money from any women…

“Hey, Mom,” asked Puppy “can you give me twenty dollars?”

“Certainly not.”

“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”

His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”

He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.”

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 4 2009, 04:24 PM

After 20 years of development, the Japanese have created the fastest camera in the world. Its so fast, it can photograph a woman with her mouth closed.....

Posted by: bawlachintu May 4 2009, 08:22 PM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 4 2009, 04:24 PM)

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 5 2009, 03:09 PM

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won....

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 5 2009, 03:11 PM

Romance without finance ain't got no chance. - Charlie Parker

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. - Stephen Leacock

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it. - Mel Brooks

Men seldom makes passes, at women who wear glasses. - Dorothy Parker

Posted by: bawlachintu May 6 2009, 03:49 PM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 5 2009, 03:11 PM)

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 6 2009, 04:25 PM

REDNECK
A redneck is driving down a back road in Georgia. A sign in front of a restaurant reads: HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL: Lobster Tail and Beer.

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favourite things!"

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 6 2009, 04:26 PM

How do you know you're living in Tennessee?

You get married for the third time and have the same in-laws.

Posted by: bawlachintu May 6 2009, 08:07 PM

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 8 2009, 04:23 PM

QUOTE(bawlachintu @ May 7 2009, 12:37 AM)

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 8 2009, 04:25 PM

EYE TEST
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polack replied, "I know the guy!"

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 8 2009, 04:28 PM

OFFENSIVE POLISH JOKE - the previous one was tame!

Two Polacks were driving east across the country. When they got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD," so when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out of their car, and started cleaning the restrooms!

As they traveled further east, they found it difficult to make any progress because there were so many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way.

When they finally arrived in Alabama, they came across a sign that read "WANTED!!! Two Mexican males for rape!"

The two Polacks looked at each other and thought, "Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!"

Posted by: behenji.turned.mod May 8 2009, 05:00 PM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 8 2009, 04:25 PM)

Posted by: simplefable May 8 2009, 05:07 PM

Looking the other way..here is one funny one.

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate with it instead of dinner?” “No,” I had to stop chocolate years ago, the homeless woman replied.

Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked. “No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, And chocolate.”

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 9 2009, 09:29 AM

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 9 2009, 09:34 AM

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.. ... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Posted by: behenji.turned.mod May 9 2009, 09:53 AM

rotfl

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 10 2009, 03:33 PM

This takes outsourcing to a whole new level...

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 10 2009, 03:34 PM

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Wee wee chu.?

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Wee wee chu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Wee wee chu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Cho and said, "OK, we'll play Wee wee chu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas,
Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas,
Wee wee chu a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year."

Posted by: behenji.turned.mod May 10 2009, 04:50 PM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 10 2009, 03:33 PM)

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 17 2009, 04:21 PM

In the family way
Conswelo, a Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blanco that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."

The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father could be.

The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."

Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.

"Well," Conswelo explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband say, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and your son say 'You are in my way'.

So I'm in the family way and I quit."

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 17 2009, 04:23 PM

Manana
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the Spanish word "manana" (manyana).

Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means, "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency."

Posted by: simplefable May 17 2009, 04:55 PM

Once a man was speeding and saw a cop start his car to chase him. The man just pressed the gas pedal thinking that he can get away in his fast car. But then, appearances are deceptive ..and the cop caught up with the man. The man just rested his hands on the steering wheel and waited for the cop.
The cop came near him and said.." Sir, I am tired after a long shift of duty but really want to give a break to you. Tell me something convincing enough so that i can just leave you with a warning".
The man said "...Oh..today morning, my wife eloped with a cop. When i saw you racing to catch me, i thought you are that cop trying to return my wife to me. So i had no alternative but to escape......".
Needless to say, the cop warned the man for speeding and left.

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 18 2009, 06:14 AM

Defamation of Character
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 18 2009, 06:17 AM

Bachelor Cooking
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from one subject to another and finally to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way— 'Take a clean dish and...'"

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 18 2009, 06:19 AM

After a particularly difficult day in basic training, the drill sergeant got in the face of the new recruit and screamed, "I'll bet when you're discharged from the Army, you'll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave."

"Not me," the recruit said. "When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again."

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 18 2009, 06:21 AM

An Irish girl left Dublin to find a job as a secretary in Los Angeles and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit as her father was getting frail and elderly.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, “Hmmm, they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in the States.”

The girl took his hands and said, “Dad, I’ve been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn’t want to put it in a letter. I can’t hide it from you any longer. I’ve become a prostitute.”

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over.

The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.

As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, “I’m a goner, killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you’ve become!"

“Please forgive me,” his daughter sobbed, “I only wanted to have nice things. I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute.”

With that the old man brushed the priest aside and sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. “Did you say prostitute? That was a close one. I thought you said Protestant."

Posted by: hildebrand May 26 2009, 12:00 AM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 10 2009, 03:33 PM)

Posted by: hildebrand May 26 2009, 12:03 AM

Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.

"No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I’ve gone alone."

"Why don’t you invite a friend?"

"I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."

Posted by: hildebrand May 26 2009, 12:04 AM

Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you'll put it in the casket."

After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.

Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn't put the money in there."

"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Posted by: hildebrand May 26 2009, 12:06 AM

I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.
"I'm going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy," I told her.
"Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mom."

Posted by: hildebrand May 26 2009, 12:08 AM

A customer at our bookstore asked me, "Do you have the original book Romeo and Juliet? My daughter needs it for school, and all I can find is the play."

Posted by: hildebrand May 26 2009, 12:09 AM

The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How'd you do it?" we asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o'clock."

Posted by: simplefable May 26 2009, 10:48 PM

the way to fitness told in a simpler way !!
here is one..

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

Posted by: hildebrand May 27 2009, 01:12 AM

QUOTE(simplefable @ May 26 2009, 10:48 PM)

the way to fitness told in a simpler way !!
here is one..

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

Posted by: simplefable May 27 2009, 07:47 AM

Do you know the famous anagram of Mother in law?? Woman Hitler !

******************************************************
Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far. He begins to get up to race to her rescue when the other lifeguard grabs his arm and holds him back.
The first lifeguard says,"Why are you holding me back? We have to go save that woman!"
To which the other replies, "Don't worry. That woman is my mother-in-law."
"Are you trying to kill her?"
"Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent. Just watch."
With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman, and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, safely depositing her.
"What in the world gave you the notion that would happen," asked the first lifeguard.
"Professional courtesy.

Posted by: hildebrand May 27 2009, 02:04 PM

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 27 2009, 02:32 PM

I've heard variations of these mother-in-law jokes but with lawyers instead e.g. the shark one. Here is a cruel lawyer joke....

Q.:What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A.: A leech will drop off a dead body.

Posted by: hildebrand May 27 2009, 11:29 PM

yes Americans love lawyer and blonde jokes. They seem to have made most of them.

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 28 2009, 03:48 PM

Here's one about gold-diggers...

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.”

Posted by: hildebrand May 28 2009, 04:38 PM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 28 2009, 03:48 PM)

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 30 2009, 05:52 PM

Ask Jesus
I saw a road sign that said, "Need help? Ask Jesus - 1-800-555-3787."

So I did.

Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with his tow truck.

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 30 2009, 05:54 PM

A police officer stops a car for speeding. The officer walks up and says, "Son what's your name?"

The man replies, "My name is Tyrone."

The officer says, "What's your whole name?"

Tyrone replies, "What you need my ho's name for? She ain't even in da car."

Posted by: simplefable May 30 2009, 08:02 PM

here is an actual saying written on the parapet wall of a well near my home..

" I am the way and the path and the truth. Come un to me for eternity"

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 31 2009, 04:56 AM

I just got back from a muslim birthday party...................pass the parcel was over quick....

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 31 2009, 04:58 AM

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Jason, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter".

Jason was stunned "You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family.... you’ve got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain’t so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It’s not so bad" replies Jason, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode".

"You’re ovulating" explained the rooster, "don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Jason

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Jason, wake up you drunken pig, you’re shitting in the bed"

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 31 2009, 05:06 AM

A little Johnny joke
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It’s a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Buggered if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the milkman S*** himself!"

Posted by: simplefable May 31 2009, 12:45 PM

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well.. we were married 35 years.”

Posted by: HumTum May 31 2009, 12:48 PM

QUOTE(simplefable @ May 31 2009, 12:45 PM)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well.. we were married 35 years.”

Posted by: Faraaj73 May 31 2009, 03:20 PM

QUOTE(simplefable @ May 31 2009, 05:15 PM)

Posted by: suhana_safar May 31 2009, 05:31 PM

A man cannot find a wife for many years. A close friend ask him why is that?, he says his mother does not like any of the girls.

The friend says then why not find a girl that is very similar to your mother, wow thats a great idea said the bachelor.

After a year the friend meets him and enquires if he got married. He says no?

Why did you not find any girl who is like your mother, the bachelor says yes i did.

Then what happened asks the fiend, the bachelor says 'well my father did not like those girls....

cheers

ss

Posted by: simplefable May 31 2009, 07:10 PM

Some Realties of Life. "You love someone You marry someone else. The one you marry becomes your wife or husband. And the one you loved becomes the password of your mail id"

Posted by: bawlachintu Jun 1 2009, 10:14 PM

QUOTE(simplefable @ May 31 2009, 07:10 PM)

Some Realties of Life. "You love someone You marry someone else. The one you marry becomes your wife or husband. And the one you loved becomes the password of your mail id"

Posted by: bawlachintu Jun 1 2009, 10:16 PM

Banta Singh is appearing for his Versity final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper
for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and
throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws
it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.
The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
Oye, I am only following the instructions: 'Answer in brief'.

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jun 3 2009, 05:29 PM

QUOTE(bawlachintu @ Jun 2 2009, 02:46 AM)

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jun 3 2009, 05:30 PM

Reasons To Like Beer by 7 Year Olds
A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

7-year-old Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

7-year-old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.

7-year-old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'

7-year-old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

7-year-old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

7-year-old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

7-year-old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'

7-year-old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

7-year-old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

Posted by: hildebrand Jun 4 2009, 06:15 PM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 31 2009, 04:56 AM)

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jun 5 2009, 01:16 PM

QUOTE(hildebrand @ Jun 4 2009, 10:45 PM)

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 31 2009, 04:56 AM)

I just got back from a muslim birthday party...................pass the parcel was over quick....

I miss the joke. (Nobody wants to leave the parcel?).

Posted by: hildebrand Jun 5 2009, 03:09 PM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ Jun 5 2009, 01:16 PM)

QUOTE(hildebrand @ Jun 4 2009, 10:45 PM)

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 31 2009, 04:56 AM)

I just got back from a muslim birthday party...................pass the parcel was over quick....

I miss the joke. (Nobody wants to leave the parcel?).

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog - the frog gets killed in the process

The implication was that the parcel would contain a bomb in it.....doesn't seem so funny now

Posted by: simplefable Jun 5 2009, 11:13 PM

here is one funny cartoon....

Posted by: bawlachintu Jun 7 2009, 01:06 AM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ Jun 3 2009, 05:30 PM)

Posted by: simplefable Jun 7 2009, 01:00 PM

They once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly.

His first 100 days and wham!!

Pig's flu!

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jun 7 2009, 02:04 PM

QUOTE(simplefable @ Jun 7 2009, 05:30 PM)

Posted by: myawan Jun 9 2009, 02:00 PM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 10 2009, 04:03 PM)

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jun 10 2009, 05:00 PM

Present from France
A married lady took a vacation to France some years ago with one of her girl-friends.

Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife asked, "Would you like me to bring something back for you?"

The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl!"

The lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal.

Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Really great, I loved Paris."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?"

"What I asked for....the French girl?"

"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

Posted by: simplefable Jun 10 2009, 08:28 PM

Posted by: bawlachintu Jun 11 2009, 09:48 PM

QUOTE(myawan @ Jun 9 2009, 02:00 PM)

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ May 10 2009, 04:03 PM)

This takes outsourcing to a whole new level...

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jun 13 2009, 03:09 PM

The father of the family asked his young son on his return from school, "So, did you tell your teacher that you were away from school yesterday because you have just had two little brothers?"
The child nodded his head and replied, "Yes, Daddy, but I only told him about one."

"Oh, why was that?"

"I'm saving the other one for next week."

Posted by: hildebrand Jun 16 2009, 03:32 PM

Some Sardar Jokes received in mail. Most seem to be recycled blonde jokes. So no offence to any community in actuality. Posted just for the humour. :-

1.Why are Sardar secret agents the best in the world?
Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to.

2.Santa: Mom, last night when I opened the toilet door, the light went on itself.
Mother: Idiot, you again peed in the refrigerator!

3. Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Banta: Me too, after u leave.

4. Sardar ji is filling up a job application
He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc.
Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED
After much thought he writes: Yes

5. Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aaya hai.

6. A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, "Prahji, aap kya kar raheho?"
To this the man replies, "Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai, "Wash Basin".

7.Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause ven he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.

8. Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God.
A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for?"
The Sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too.

9. Titanic was sinking.
An englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.
Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?
Santa: Downwards!

10. Why are Sardar secret agents the best in the world?
Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to.

11. Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who r u?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya.

12 Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from NASA to SATYANASA

13. Santa (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?" Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"

14. Santa ke bagiche mein bahut sare ped - paudhe thay, Santa naukar ko bola ped-paudhon ko pani dal.
Naukar: Sahab baarish ho rahi hai.
Santa: Abe to Chatri leke dal.

15. Santa walks into a library & says, "Can I have a burger and coke?"
Librarian, "I'm sorry, this is a library."
Santa whispers, "Can I have a burger & fries?"

16. Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn't came back yet!
Santa: Why don't u cook something else?

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jun 16 2009, 04:25 PM

QUOTE(hildebrand @ Jun 16 2009, 08:02 PM)

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jun 21 2009, 07:56 AM

Obscene Joke - definitely not for minors or prudes!
A monk who's been sheltered all of his life has to travel to the big city to meet his friend, a Catholic nun.

On the streets of the city, he encounters a prostitute who says: "Blowjob? Five dollars?"

"No, thank you!" the monk says, blushing.

He moves on to the next street corner and another hooker asks him, "Blowjob? Five dollars?"

He hurriedly rushes down the streets but on each corner there's a woman asking if he wants a blowjob. By the time he reaches the convent, he's very upset.

He asks his friend the nun, "Sister, what's a "blowjob?"

She says, "Five dollars."

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jun 27 2009, 03:49 PM

Michael Jackson Jokes
Apart from his wonderful music, Michael Jackson also inspired a sub-genre of jokes called MJ jokes. A lot dealt with the molestation acccusations - which were probably untrue. But, while we remember the passing of a legend, lets also remember some of the jokes we heard targeting him:

What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
~Michael Jackson.

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in !!

`Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
~The bread goes in brown, and comes out white

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.

`What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
~Blowing his first nose.

He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

"After turning himself in yesterday, Michael Jackson was placed in handcuffs. I think he helped his case when he asked 'These are neat, do they come in smaller sizes?" - Jay Leno

Q: What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?
A: "The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?
A: Because there are twenty of them.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson have a tough guy reputation?
A: He has licked every kid on the block.

Q: What's Micheal Jackson's Chinese name?
A: Melikeemyoung.

Posted by: hildebrand Jun 28 2009, 01:10 PM

Nice ones Faraaj.

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jun 29 2009, 04:19 PM

"The state of New Hampshire is going to allow prison inmates to enter into civil unions... which is good news for inmates who are in love — but bad news for their cell mates."
Jay Leno

Posted by: simplefable Jun 29 2009, 04:56 PM

An American was backpacking across the highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.

Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual.

"Ya see that fence out there?" The old man asked the backpacker. "I built that fence with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!"

"And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the church builder? No!"

And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder? No!"

"But ya ***** one goat..."

Posted by: bawlachintu Jul 1 2009, 09:52 PM

Good one

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jul 9 2009, 05:00 PM

It's Personal
At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to bang you like you've never been banged before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket. "Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."

Posted by: simplefable Jul 9 2009, 07:42 PM

here is one from me..


A man with no arms and legs is sunbathing on the beach.

He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first says to him, ‘Have you ever been hugged?’ The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a big hug.

The second says to him, ‘Have you ever been kissed?’ He shakes his head. She kisses him.

Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, ‘Have you ever been screwed?’ ‘No,’ says the man, his eyes lighting up.

‘Well, you are now. The tide’s coming in.’

Posted by: bawlachintu Jul 10 2009, 09:46 AM

Why Sachin is known as a gentleman
Someone forwarded it to me thru mail , enjoy friends.

Posted by: simplefable Jul 10 2009, 09:49 AM

BC bhai...may be he got eyes for BETTER things???

Posted by: bawlachintu Jul 11 2009, 09:21 PM

May be

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jul 15 2009, 02:36 PM

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
Cogito ergo sum
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing!

Posted by: Marcilo Jul 15 2009, 07:21 PM

QUOTE(simplefable @ Jul 10 2009, 12:19 AM)

BC bhai...may be he got eyes for BETTER things???

Posted by: Marcilo Jul 15 2009, 07:26 PM

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jul 23 2009, 01:26 PM

Etiquette Class
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a piss."

The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Johnny replied, "Sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."

So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher passed out.

Posted by: simplefable Jul 23 2009, 04:25 PM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ Jul 15 2009, 02:36 PM)

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ Jul 23 2009, 01:26 PM)

Posted by: bawlachintu Jul 23 2009, 11:48 PM

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jul 27 2009, 02:15 PM

"Dating two sisters is a pretty hard task, especially when they both live in the same convent."
-Derek Winsworth

Posted by: yogihit Jul 27 2009, 02:36 PM

Funny Lines

“Rape is Not a Crime”
Its just a “Surprise Sex”

Medical Science Says:
“Tight Clothing Slows Blood Circulation”
But the Truth is..
“Tighter The Woman’s Clothing,
Faster The Circulation Of MAN’s Blood”


In school canteen,
there was a basket of apples with a written note:
“don’t take more than 1, God is watching!”
A little further there was a box of choclates,
a naughty child wrote:
“Take as many as u want. God is watching the apples”

8 year son: Dad what’s sex?
Dad gets tensed but explained everything.
Kid: But dad how do I write all that in this small box of admision form ?

A depressed boy asked an old man:
Is there anything worst than losing a girlfriend?
He replied: Yes, Losing your confidence of getting another one.

Virginity is Neither a Dignity,
Nor a Security,
Nor Even a Sign of Purity,
Its just a…..Lack of 0pportunity…”

Woman in bed with husband’s best friend.
phone rings,
Woman: Yes?.. Ok,.. fine,..bye.
Turns to her Lover and laughs;
My husband saying he is playing golf with you.

A criminal enter into bed room,
tied up husband & wife,
kissed wife’s ear & went to bathroom.
Husband told wife, “satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong I LOVE U”
Wife said “He didnt kiss me,
He whispered in my ear that he’s GAY,
needs vaseline & I told him its in the bathroom.
So b strong, I LOVE [....]

A 5 year old boy,
while taking bath
and examining his testicles
Asks: ‘Mum, are these my brains?’
‘Not yet’, she replied.

Posted by: Faraaj73 Jul 27 2009, 02:48 PM

QUOTE(yogihit @ Jul 27 2009, 07:06 PM)

Posted by: yogihit Jul 30 2009, 11:59 AM

When u marry a career woman !!


Attached image(s)

Posted by: bawlachintu Jul 31 2009, 12:58 AM

Posted by: Faraaj73 Aug 2 2009, 03:14 PM

The History of the Middle Finger.
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

[I don't believe a word of this, but it's still a fun read.]

Posted by: yogihit Aug 4 2009, 12:33 PM

First Lady--
Bill and Hillary Clinton go to a Yankees game together. They had VIP seats in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear. A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field! The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says, "Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said throw out the first pitch."

Posted by: yogihit Aug 6 2009, 10:58 AM

I gotta have ya
------------------
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her pant!es and ravaged her.
He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on, when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door. He said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?" His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my bum."

Posted by: Faraaj73 Aug 6 2009, 03:56 PM

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. She is not a "BABE "or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
10. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS: - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
11. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER.

Posted by: yogihit Aug 10 2009, 01:31 PM

New AGE LOVE !!!!!!!





Attached image(s)

Posted by: bawlachintu Aug 10 2009, 03:03 PM

If you are givn an assignment to visualize a picture on
some cherry blossomed threads on HF, nothing better than this pic
would come to the mind

[attachmentid=290235]

Posted by: Faraaj73 Aug 14 2009, 06:03 PM

Khan Saab ko Cricket par essay likhne ko kaha.

Khan Saab ne aik minute mein essay khatam kar liya.

Copy Miss ko de kar chala gaya

Likha tha "Baarish ki wajha se match nahin hoga"

Posted by: bawlachintu Aug 14 2009, 11:10 PM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ Aug 14 2009, 06:03 PM)

Posted by: Faraaj73 Aug 16 2009, 05:26 PM

Where do women have curly hair?
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In Africa! (What were you thinking? Oh! Shame on you!)

Posted by: simplefable Aug 17 2009, 11:13 AM

@ Faraaj, Yogi .

Here is one..

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

Posted by: Faraaj73 Aug 17 2009, 03:33 PM

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbour's goat

Posted by: bawlachintu Aug 17 2009, 09:43 PM

Few one liners this time

Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.

What is a cat's favourite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."

What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.

Posted by: yogihit Aug 18 2009, 02:24 PM

uff... SF ji.. how come you manage ....hehhehehehhe

Posted by: yogihit Aug 18 2009, 02:33 PM

Employees of a Software Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in Loud discussions during office time.

Some Trainees, who had just joined,notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, They asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped our Project Manager .

They're asking for a Rs.500 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?
...
...
...
...
"About a litre."

Posted by: yogihit Aug 21 2009, 09:26 PM

*The 1st Affair*

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"



*The 2nd Affair*

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


*The 3rd Affair*

A mortician was working late one night.. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have
to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


*The 4th Affair*

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so
much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at
the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


*The 5th Affair*

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly,
Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


*The 6th Affair*

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Posted by: Faraaj73 Aug 23 2009, 03:50 PM

Suzy Lee fell in love, she planned to marry Joe. She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Suzie Gal, you'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother."

So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.

But after telling pappy this, he said "There's trouble still you can't marry Will, my gal, and please don't tell yo mother, cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."

But mama knew and said, "Honey child, do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"

Posted by: Faraaj73 Aug 28 2009, 03:57 PM

"Nice threads, man," commented Donald when his buddy showed up one day in a snappy new suit. "Where'd you pick 'em up?"

Richard beamed. "My wife got them for me. Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?"

"Got me," admitted Richard with a cheerful shrug. "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

Posted by: simplefable Aug 28 2009, 08:15 PM

One day, Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home?
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1520 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy S***, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in God's name could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens ! "

Posted by: Faraaj73 Aug 29 2009, 07:28 AM

QUOTE(simplefable @ Aug 29 2009, 12:45 AM)

One day, Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: How to carry all of his purchases home?
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1520 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get into the alley you won't ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy S***, lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in God's name could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens ! "

Posted by: simplefable Aug 29 2009, 08:55 PM

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like that cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history.

Posted by: bawlachintu Sep 8 2009, 01:36 AM

Posted by: simplefable Sep 8 2009, 08:18 AM

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half-tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the Grand Canal."

Posted by: bawlachintu Sep 13 2009, 01:14 PM

After the swine flu and disappearance and reappearance of pigs ,
a joke on pigs for you.

What song do pigs sing on New Year's Eve? Auld Lang Swine.

Posted by: simplefable Sep 12 2009, 10:58 PM

Posted by: bawlachintu Sep 20 2009, 01:19 AM

Little Prayer




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Posted by: bawlachintu Sep 29 2009, 01:15 AM

Amreeka ghoomne ka asar.
Cheenti ka par nikal aaye suna hoga.
Idhar dekho......




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Posted by: bawlachintu Oct 2 2009, 12:58 AM

Is forum mein ek billi hua karti thi , uska taste change ho gaya hai




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Posted by: bawlachintu Oct 21 2009, 01:25 AM

Stupid(or brave) cat




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Posted by: Faraaj73 Oct 22 2009, 03:45 PM

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what the most popular song is that people sing in the shower?"

The friend shook her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

Posted by: Dharmaan Khan Oct 22 2009, 05:56 PM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ Oct 22 2009, 11:15 AM)

Posted by: Faraaj73 Oct 29 2009, 03:13 PM

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent b*st*rd,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy. . You explain the kids.'

Posted by: HumTum Oct 29 2009, 03:17 PM

Posted by: behenji.turned.mod Oct 29 2009, 04:53 PM

hee hee

Posted by: hildebrand Oct 29 2009, 10:28 PM

Reminds me of a joke I half remember.

The old man was dying. He called his very beautiful and extremely sexy wife to his death bed and as his last wish asked her if She had ever slept with other men.
The wife replied I have always been faithful to you. The only two times I erred was to help you.
Man asked her to explain.
She said remember the time you felt your promotion wouldn't come because the boss didn't like you. Well I figured he likes me. So... that was the first time and you got the promotion.
Ok said the man. And the other time?
Well remember when you wanted to be the Golf Club secretary. The selection committee had 150 members and you were sure of getting only 5 votes.
Oh my Gosh rose the man in terror, "I got 120 votes"!

Posted by: simplefable Oct 30 2009, 09:19 AM

QUOTE(Faraaj73 @ Oct 29 2009, 03:13 PM)

QUOTE(hildebrand @ Oct 29 2009, 10:28 PM)

Posted by: yogihit Nov 10 2009, 03:20 PM

Height of Double Daring.

A girl to mom: Mom, I hav started luving a boy..
Mom: what? How old is he? What does he do?
Gal: He is 3 months old, happily kicking in my stomach!

Posted by: hildebrand Nov 10 2009, 10:13 PM

Bhola with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered,

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"That scoundrel called back."

Posted by: hildebrand Nov 10 2009, 11:59 PM

Some funny leave applications

http://www.hamaraforums.com/index.php?showtopic=75950&st=30&gopid=637758&#

Posted by: hildebrand Nov 11 2009, 12:00 AM

Some funny leave applications

http://www.hamaraforums.com/index.php?showtopic=75950&st=30&gopid=637758&#

Posted by: bawlachintu Nov 19 2009, 12:22 AM

Found the reason behind Desi Pig visiting States




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Posted by: PFK Dec 1 2009, 03:51 AM

QUOTE(bawlachintu @ Apr 26 2009, 12:46 PM)

Nice

Posted by: bawlachintu Feb 17 2010, 11:08 PM

Something on administration

"What we Always Suspected - There is a Scientific Explanation for the Growth of Administrations"

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered. The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.

However, it does have 1 Neutron, 128 Assistant Neutrons, 75 Vice-Neutrons and 111 Assistant Vice Neutrons. This gives it an atomic weight of 315. These 315 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called Morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every other reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which Assistant Neutrons, Vice-Neutrons and Assistant Vice-Neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government, large companies, healthcare facilities and universities; and will often be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.

source: http://www.tik.ee.ethz.ch/~lubich/extdoc/jokes/admin.html

Posted by: yogihit Aug 18 2010, 05:26 PM

Trouble sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Posted by: hildebrand Apr 23 2011, 07:41 PM

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie. He decides 2 test it @ dinner. Dad: Son, where were u today during school hours?

SON: at School. Robot slaps son! Ok,I lied, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! Ok, it was a day with #!@%*#star.
DAD: What?! When I was ur age,I didn't even know what #!@%*# was..Robot slaps Dad! MOM: Ha ha! After all he's ur son.
Robot slaps mom.=))•´¨)

Posted by: hildebrand Apr 24 2011, 01:03 PM

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She asked: 'What does that mean?'
He said "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She said, "Oh that's so lovely. And what about I, J, K" "
I'm Just Kidding".

The husband is still recovering